Thursday, September 4, 2008

Please let me be pregnant!!!!

I can't wait for next week, when my period is due. I hope it doesn't come because I so want another child right now. I had some brown spotting yesterday, which i hope is implantation bleeding because the timing was right. It's too soon for a pregnancy test but everyday is a torture. If I'm not, then I can be a bitch for a day or two and scream mercilessly at some poor students who fail to pass up some homework. If I am..then I'm blessed with another miracle.

The first one is an endless miracle. I conceived when the doctors told me I could not because chemo might have killed off the ovums and besides, my uterus is retroverted for reasons unknown. They also told me that if by some luck my ovums survived, I should not get pregnant because of the high risk of recurrence. I was even given a letter for a termination, should I desired to terminate the pregnancy. But of course, being my usual stubborn self, I excitedly went through the ordeal and gave birth to an amazing baby girl whom I would never trade for anything in the world.

Now I'm getting greedy and I want more.

If you are in my position, it's kind of a dillema because there is a 50% chance of me passing the darn mutated gene to my children, regardless of gender. The prof who did my DNA testing told me that I have three choices.
1. Be content with the one that I have now and don't have anymore children
2. Adopt
3. To hell with science and have as many babies as I want and leave it to GOD.

I choose no 3. The way I see it, I need to have more children BECAUSE of the darn gene.
1. If I don't live a long life, which my doctors seem to believe, I DO NOT want my daughter to feel alone because she has no siblings to turn to. My husband can always remarry and have more children but my daughter may not feel as she could with brothers and sisters of the same parents.
2. I inherit cancer of the ovaries too so I need to conceive NOW, while both are still in working order.
3. If my daughter carrries the gene, I do not want her to suffer alone because she has no siblings. I may not be around if we are looking at 10-15 years down the road, although I pray to God to let me raise my daughter first.

So now you understand why I absolutely have to get pregnant NOW. But I may not...because my oncologist told me that the single ovum that resulted in my daughter might be the only one that survived the high dose chemo I went through...

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